I have been doing a battle of my own- between sewing my shower curtain and doing machine quilting until I am cross-eyed, I have been battling boredom self doubt and malaise. And like my husband i am digging deep into myself to see what I can pull out.
1. Fear of turning 60. It just seems so old, and I have so much I want to do. Will there be enough time? I watch my mother aging, a person who was a lightening bolt of energy, who is now slowing down considerably. It is difficult to watch and harder to project what will be.
2. Fear of retiring- or actually not fear so much as wondering if I can sustain 8 hours of sewing a week. The last two weeks has shown that I am fairly disciplined about work, but it also shows that sustained machine quilting can be somewhat joyless.
3. Fear of going back to work on Monday after 2 weeks of having no schedule or responsibilities. Running a 30 person firm has its challenges and I have to stay engaged for the next 3 years. I hope I have the stamina to do that.
4. Fear of being irrelevant. It's so funny how I can devote months and months of labor on a piece. Then, when I am done, it gets rolled up and put away. Something about that does not feel right.
5. Fear of alienation. I spend so much of my private time alone with my sewing machine. I have not kept up the contact with family and friends that I should have, preferring to focus on my art. Is this wise? Will I regret this choice in years to come?
6. Will my art make a difference? It is daunting to see how much stuff is out there. Am I just another artist among hundreds of thousands, making art that will not be seen or may not move people.
7. Do I have a choice? I am not sure if I do or not. I love making my art. At times I am euphoric and at times I am blue. Am I controlling my art or is it controlling me?
Bamboo in my soul- tangled, invasive, destructive. Self doubt is like a weed- and sometimes I wish the solution was as easy as yanking out a root or zapping it with an herbicide. And just when you think you are feeling confident, a new shoot reappears, and needs to be dealt with.