Un-multi-tasking

Amplification

I'm keeping myself busy not using my right hand. My spirits are ok. Stiff upper lip and all. I have invented some activities that get me out of the house- like photographing details around my neighborhood- which gets me walking and looking. I'm hand sewing some stuff with my left hand.

But, and this is a big BUT, I have a sense of dread that I am losing time. I worry about pieces that I have in progress- when will I finish them and will they be old by then? I worry about new work- when can I even think about starting new pieces? I worry about being lost and invisible. I see people moving on and I know right now I am simply staying in the same place. I worry about work I have just sent to the photographer- it is all so different and I am not sure it is any good.

I feel uncomfortable that I am in between several series right now- where my voice is changing and with doubts that I am producing anything worth looking at. I was in the process of moving on from my Conflict series when I went on vacation. Now I am worried that I will either backslide or worse- produce nothing at all.

I hate that I am not 40 years old with my art career spanning in front of me. And I am angry that I am losing time sewing with my left hand to keep boredom at the door. I look at the work I am producing and wonder if I would give it a second thought if I was able to work with two hands. Probably not.

I am being strong and positive to everyone around me, it is just the inner doubts have time to be heard when I am not fully occupied. I do not want to wallow in self pity since I actually think that I am rather lucky to emerged from the fall with just a broken wrist- and this is not a serious problem. But what seems to be broken in addition to my wrist is some self confidence. I hear the hobgoblins of doubt whispering and wondering why I did not receive this prize or get into that show. And usually the sound of my Bernina humming along will dispel these thoughts, right now they seem amplified.



by JudyK